


Echoes

by AllAboutTheDrama



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Animal Death, Azkaban, Canon Compliant, Hunting, Hurt/Low Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Minor Character Death, Not Explicitly Contradicted By Canon, POV Sirius Black, Period-Typical Homophobia, well mostly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27819226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllAboutTheDrama/pseuds/AllAboutTheDrama
Summary: Sirius Black thinks about four times he's said something he regrets, and one time he regretted something he didn't say.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Various Background Relationships
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34
Collections: Wolfstar Games 2020





	Echoes

**Author's Note:**

> My submission to Wolfstar Games, for Team Sound! My prompt was "Many times in life I've regretted the things I've said without thinking. But I've never regretted the things I said nearly as much as the words I left unspoken." ― Lisa Kleypas, Sugar Daddy

Many times in life I've regretted the things I've said without thinking. But I've never regretted the things I said nearly as much as the words I left unspoken. ― Lisa Kleypas, Sugar Daddy

They don't need walls and water to keep the prisoners in, not when they're trapped inside their own heads, incapable of a single cheerful thought. Most go mad within weeks. ― Remus Lupin, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

_Well, at least he’s got so many terrible memories, there’s a little variety when they echo around in his head._

**_One_ **

_He never gets the good parts, never the thrill he felt when some other kids asked if they could sit in his compartment on the train, or the low whoosh in his stomach when the Sorting Hat called out Gryffindor, the way Remus, then Peter, then James, all joined him in a cluster at the end of the table, the way they laughed that whole night…_

Sirius thought he might be making friends. Or, well, maybe. It was hard to know if you could be friends when you were laying, breathless, in a brand new bed in a brand new place and were just waiting for the morning, to see if your parents would storm in and destroy the brand new peace you’d just found.

Hard to know if he could think of James and Peter and Remus as friends when he wasn’t sure if he would get to keep them beyond sunrise.

So Sirius was quiet, that first night, while the others laughed and talked and joked (well, it was mostly James doing the joking, and Peter doing the laughing) and waited. But the next day passed, and the next week, and then the next month, and Professor McGonagall didn’t send him away from the Gryffindor table, Professor Slughorn didn’t drag him over to the Slytherin side at the behest of his parents, determined that he uphold the family legacy of green and silver, and Sirius realized that he might, _might_ just be there to stay. 

Sirius was too used to disappointment to really trust that he wasn’t already halfway out the door, but after a month where he didn’t get kicked out, he figured that maybe joining in on the laughing and the joking wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world he could do.

Of course, it wasn’t long after he tried to open his mouth for the first time that he kicked off what was the first in a long line of incidents where he accidentally shoved his foot in it. Remus was packing a bag, mumbling something about his family and how he needed to go home for the night. Sirius had figured that he was finally getting in the swing of this whole ‘friendship’ thing, and the way they'd all been teasing each other mercilessly, so when he made a crack about how it was the second time that Remus was abandoning them for an overnight, but it was fine, they’d survive, they’d just have to find a replacement Remus, he didn’t expect a major reaction.

Actually, with the way things had been going, he’d thought that maybe he’d get a laugh, find a way to lighten the tension Remus was holding in his shoulders, ease a little bit of the frown on his face…

But instead, Remus went stiff as a board and Peter asked him what he was talking about.

“Last month Remus had to go see his family, too. Remember? It was the first weekend we were here, he was gone Sunday night and missed Monday’s classes, too.”

Remus opened his mouth, but no sound came out except for a choked little noise that neither Sirius nor Peter heard, while Peter thought things over and realized that Sirius was right. “Oh, yeah. Everything okay at home?” They both turned to see Remus sitting on his bed, face drawn, and looking at them with wide eyes.

He had a look on his face that suddenly sent Sirius back to the last day he’d spent with his father. The two of them had gone hare-hunting in the forests surrounding their home in France, in mid-August, the day before his mother had taken him and Regulus back to London. Normally, Regulus would have joined them, but his father had wanted to take Sirius alone. Sirius didn’t quite understand why, at first. His father liked to make Sirius and Regulus hunt whenever he could, saying that it was only proper for boys of their station, and Sirius knew that he was just waiting for the day that he and Regulus were well-trained enough to handle a fox-hunt. But he insisted that Sirius go out alone with him that day, just the two of them and the dogs. His father didn’t speak at first, as they led the dogs to the woods, but after they set them on the trail his father had said, voice gruff and low, “Last time we were out here, you didn’t shoot a single damn hare.”

Sirius knew better than to try to make excuses, to try to pretend that he had tried and failed, or that he, magnanimous older brother that he was, had just been giving Regulus a chance to try. Giving his real answer, that the poor things had just looked scared, would probably end up with him getting chased by the dogs. Instead, he followed his father through the woods until the dogs flushed their first hare, and didn’t even ask what he wanted, just unshouldered his gun and aimed. The hare’s dark eye was wide, rolling around with terror, as it tried to find respite from the hounds, and that was the last thing Sirius saw before he managed to shoot. His father made him kill six more, that day, saying that seven was a number of magical significance, and it would be a good omen for his coming school year.

Remus’s eyes looked a little bit like the hare’s, darting around with pure panic in them, looking for a way out that wouldn't end in a hound's teeth and not finding one. And Sirius, not sure what he’d done, which thing he’d said that had evoked such a reaction, tried to backpedal. Instead, accidentally, he fired. “Aw, don’t bother, Pete, it’s probably one of those secrets where if he told us, he’d have to kill us.”

“Secrets?” James asked, emerging from the washroom, hair damp from his shower. “Who’s got secrets?”

“Remus, apparently,” Peter answered, looking at James with a face so adoring that it was clear that if he had secrets, it would only take a kind word from James to get him spilling his guts. James had that effect. But before James could turn that power on Remus, and see what he could figure out, Remus had darted from his bed, raced to the door, and was bounding down the stairs faster than any hare Sirius had ever seen. And he felt a low, sick pang in his stomach, when he realized that Remus was on the verge of tears, and he didn’t know what he’d done wrong, only that he’d done it.

_He doesn’t get to keep the parts about the way he never breathed another word about Remus’s absences, the way Remus looked at him with shining eyes when Gideon Prewett teased him about missing the party after the Gryffindor-Hufflepuff match late that April because he had to go visit his mother, and Sirius told him that if he’d minded the goal-posts the way he was minding everyone else’s business maybe Ted Tonks wouldn’t have scored so many points earlier that day. He does remember the way he’d snarled at James when he’d told Sirius that they needed to talk about where Remus was disappearing to every month, but loses the glorious, golden moment when they told Remus that they’d figured it out, and didn’t care. When Remus had cried happy tears and he and James and Peter had descended on him in a big pile of hugs that they’d later deny._

_Mostly, he just hears the echoes of the first words of his that made Remus cry._

**_Two_ **

_In fourth year, Sirius had a girlfriend. He gets to remember the few, awkward months dating Marlene, he supposes, because they were neither happy nor sad, just a roundabout way of trying to rebel against his family by dating a half-blood while still firmly denying what he was fighting against in the back of his mind every time he caught a glimpse of Remus’s furrowed brow while he squinted over his Potions homework, or the way he laughed at the prank Sirius and James pulled that turned the entire first year class purple-skinned for a week, or the way he got a determined glint in his eye as they worked on the spells for the Map…_

When Fabian Prewett was caught snogging Darren Selwyn in a broom closet on the fourth floor, the story spread through the school like wildfire. A couple getting frisky wasn’t usually such a big deal, gossip-wise, but, well… Two blokes usually weren’t in the broom closet together.

Sirius knew that certain parts of the wizarding world were far more open-minded than the Muggle counterpart. There was a rollicking street not far off of Knockturn Alley that was filled with bars and clubs with the rainbow flag flying above most every door. Not that Sirius had ever been, of course. He’d just looked, on occasion, while his mother hurried him along and tsked.

Sirius didn’t come from one of those more open-minded parts of the wizarding world. So, on a wintery Saturday afternoon at The Three Broomsticks, when he got back from buying hot chocolates for himself and Marlene, dutiful boyfriend that he was, and joined the booth that they were sharing with Dorcas, Remus, and Peter (James was serving a detention), who were all discussing the newest gossip (apparently Darren had gone over to visit the Prewetts during the holidays), Sirius commented, “Remind me, why do we care what those poofs were up to?”

Marlene had been in the process of spiking everyone’s drinks, but gave Sirius a dirty look and slid her flask back under her cloak before she reached his mug. Dorcas kicked him under the table, and Peter gave him a wide-eyed look of horror. But it was Remus, whose face remained completely unperturbed, who caught Sirius’s attention. He sipped from his drink, then placed it firmly on the table. “Actually, I was saying that it was nice to see a gay couple in school.” He met Sirius’s eye, and lifted his chin. “Makes me feel a little like I’m not all too alone. Seeing as I’m one of those _poofs_ too.”

Despite the swell of noise around them, the bar full to capacity, the only thing Sirius could hear was his own heart in his ears, as Remus stood up and left the table, as Dorcas followed after him, eyes wide and worried, as Marlene started to lay into him, about how he was so rude, and how could he even say something like that, and act so small-minded. Finally, Marlene elbowed him until he stood so she could get out of the booth, too, leaving him with Peter, who was biting his lip and looking between Sirius and where Remus had disappeared to.

Sirius wasn’t sure what to say, what to do. He knew what his family would _want_ him to do, stand up and declare that he wouldn’t room with a fairy, that it was completely unacceptable and that Remus should be separated from the normal students so that he didn’t infect any of them with his perversions. It was the same reaction he knew they’d have wanted him to have when he found out that Remus was a werewolf.

Sirius winced at the thought. He didn’t want to say that to Remus… But what other choice was there? Being a werewolf was something out of his control, being a queer was… Well… It wasn’t like the moon coming out made Remus suddenly need to kiss blokes the way it made him sprout fangs and fur.

It wasn’t like Fabian and Darren and Remus were the only blokes out there who thought about snogging other blokes! But that didn’t mean that you did it. You just… If you wanted to snog a bloke, you found a girl you got along with, and spent your time arguing about Quidditch scores with her, instead.

He picked up Remus’s butterbeer and sipped from it, while Peter timidly suggested that he should probably apologize to Remus. Sirius knew that he was right. He also knew that Pete must feel very, _very_ strongly about it, if he was telling Sirius what to do. “You’re probably right,” he agreed. “Have a hot chocolate.”

He finished Remus’s drink, still hearing the firm clink of Remus setting it on the table with steely determination as he lifted his chin, tilted his head… Still not enough to hide the hurt in his eyes.

_“Why do we care about what those poofs were up to?” echoes in his head. He remembers the way Remus’s eyes filled with hurt, and loses the way they’d hugged, after he apologized, after he’d sworn to Remus that it wouldn’t change anything, that he didn’t care about the gay part any more than he did the werewolf part, and he was so sorry for what he’d said. He loses the way that Remus had asked him how much it took to make it up to Marlene, and the strange look that crossed Remus’s face when Sirius told him that he hadn’t talked to her yet, that he’d wanted to make things right with him, first. He loses the way that the look made his stomach squirm, in a way he wasn’t sure he was willing or able to quite identify yet._

**_Three_ **

_This one, he keeps start to finish. He thinks that the madness must have been beat into him when he was a child, his parents willing to hex or hit him every time he put a toe out of line, until the casual cruelty and sadistic urges were etched into his bones, impulses that he couldn’t rid himself of if he tried. And then… The leaden feeling in his gut, every time he passed Regulus in the hallway, seeing his face get harsher and harsher. Snivellus’s arm over his little brother’s shoulder, poisoning him just a little bit at a time, bringing him into that circle with Mulciber and Avery and all the other wannabe Death Eaters. Winter holidays spent hearing his parents_ rail _about it, how Eileen Prince’s little half-blood is doing better in the house that Sirius should have, by all rights, been a proud member of. And Regulus egged it on, talked about how smart he was, and what a good friend, and mentor, and practically like a brother… And Sirius knew that it was a way to get to him, knew that Regulus couldn't be all too fond of the greasy git but acted like it anyways, just because he knew that Sirius couldn’t stand him… And then that same greasy git was always trying to hex James, who actually was like a brother, always trying to stick his overly-large nose into Moony’s business, always trying to press just a little harder into it…_

It was only a couple of days before the start of summer holidays. O.W.L.s were finally over. The moon would be full in a matter of hours. And Sirius was… In a mood.

He knew that Snivelly was on the prowl. After the incident by the lake, when he’d called Evans the M-word and James had thoroughly punished him for it, he was looking for a way to pull one last one over on the Marauders before they left for break.

James thought that they were done. He seemed a little taken aback, actually, at how far things had gone that day by the lake, and was holding off, subdued. Whenever Sirius suggested a preemptive strike, James would tug at his arm to keep him from jumping out of his seat right then and there, and mumble “Forget it, Pads. It’s done.”

Peter and Remus were similarly useless, though Sirius didn’t blame Remus for that. The full moon was just a couple of days before the end of term, and Remus always got a bit peaky around that time. Peter was more focused on planning for the moon, fretting over how soon after moonrise they should try to sneak out, if the cloak was really big enough to cover all of them… Never mind that they’d never had an issue in the last four months that they’d been able to join Remus out in the Shack.

Sirius wasn’t thinking about getting to become Padfoot, and play with Moony and Wormy and Prongs, though, when he saw Snivellus and Reg working in the library, the evening of the full moon. Sirius was just there to return a book, since exams were over. That meant that Snivelly had no real reason to be indoors, either. Sirius drew his wand without a plan in mind, but lowered it when he heard what Reg was saying. “…The vineyard’s really nice this time of year, too, and there’s lots of space to practice Quidditch, and we could go out and spend a couple days at the beach… And Sirius will be busy visiting our cousins that week, so he won’t even know you’re there. It’ll be fun to have someone to do that stuff with.”

Sirius was a lot of things, but slow had never been one of them. He could put it together, even though he didn’t much want to, icy fingers creeping up his spine. Regulus was talking about the house in France. He’d invited Snape to the house in France. He’d invited Snape to the house in France on a week Sirius wouldn’t be there, so that Sirius wouldn’t know about it, because he wanted someone to do the things that he and Reg used to do together. Practice Quidditch, try to nick wine from the vineyard, go down to the beach…

Sirius stood between the stacks for a few long moments, thinking that through. Thinking that maybe he’d been wrong about why Regulus was hanging around Snivelly in the first place.

He only came back to himself when he heard movement at the end of the bookshelf, and saw the great greasy git himself. Snivelly looked panicked, and reached for his wand, but Sirius had his in hand already, and disarmed him, Snape’s wand flying far behind them. “Hello, Snivellus,” he greeted casually. “Fancy running into you here.”

“Surprised to see _you_ here, Black,” Snivellus spat, taking slow, careful steps backwards. Sirius knew he was trying to look for his wand without taking his eyes off of him. “Figured you’d be busy tending to your boyfriend. It’s his time of the month, isn’t it?”

This was the part where Sirius should have hexed him. Stunned him, maybe, or done a body-bind jinx and left him there for Madame Pince to find at the end of the night. Instead, Sirius stepped forward, just to watch him flinch. “You _know_ ,” Sirius said, an idea alighting in his head. It was madness. It was terrible. It was pouring out of his mouth before he could think twice about it. “If you’re really curious about what Remus gets up to every month, why don’t you go take a look at the Whomping Willow later tonight? Press on the big, ugly knot in the middle of the trunk—That’ll be easy enough to remember, just think of it like your big, ugly nose—And see what you can find in the roots, hm?”

He passed Snivelly, mumbling a quick stinging jinx as he did, and made his way down the hall.

He wasn’t sure exactly what madness had gripped him, in that moment. Something about the eager, open smile on Regulus’s face, though, had brought his own snarling beast to the surface. Regulus, happy and friendly and not just putting on a show to piss Sirius off. In that moment, Sirius was pretty sure that there was nothing he wouldn’t destroy if it meant that it might ease the rage burning in his chest.

The rest of the night was a blur. The strange, animal part of him that had wanted to rip Snape’s throat out there in the library kept snarling in him, and he kept it off of his face, determined to play it cool, to see if Snivelly really would take the bait, if he was really that stupid… But James knew him better than that. James saw the look on his face, and pushed, and pushed, until Sirius admitted what he’d done, tried to lie and say that he’d just wanted to give Snivvy a scare, for everything he’d done to James and to Lily and to all of them. And James, James who always understood, was always on his side… James went pale and asked him what was wrong with him, and James sent Peter running for McGonagall and took the cloak and sprinted to the grounds himself.

And Sirius was alone.

The next morning, he and James and Peter weren’t allowed in the hospital wing to visit Remus. Sirius tried to coax James into letting him borrow the cloak so he could go and see him, but James refused. Sirius tried to ignore the strange, sinking feeling in his gut, tried to tell himself that everyone was overreacting, even as McGonagall called him to her office, as Dumbledore joined them, and he was read the riot act, as Gryffindor lost hundreds of house points for what he’d done… It was just a prank.

And then he made his way back to the dorm, to see Remus sitting alone on his bed, crying. Sirius started towards him on instinct, but was blocked, suddenly, by the shield Remus threw up. He couldn’t hear sound through it, but he saw the words Remus mouthed at him. “What the _fuck_ have you done?”

_Sirius keeps every moment after that, too. This one does not echo so much as it roars, filling his ears and lungs and chest with the words he’d do anything to take back. The days, weeks, months, of asking himself the same question, of pacing and panicking and going from furious at the world for blaming him for a stupid prank to hating himself. James’s words started to get through to him, while he was sitting alone on the train, banished from the compartment he’d normally share with the other Marauders. Snape could have died. It might not seem like much of a loss, but a life was a life. James could have died trying to save him. If Remus had bitten one or both of them, he’d have been expelled. If he’d mauled one of them, or killed someone, he’d have been executed. The way he’d betrayed their trust seemed like a weight that would crush Sirius, as he went home. His father told him that he’d gotten the letter from Sirius’s head of house, that he’d nearly sent a half-blood to be attacked by some beast in the Forbidden Forest, the lie McGonagall had written to express to his parents the severity of his actions without exposing the truth that there was a werewolf at the school. After he read the letter, his father told him that he was ready to go fox hunting, that he had finally moved beyond shooting at fowl and hares. The night before the hunt, Sirius packed his bags, summoned the Knight Bus, and walked out of Number 12 Grimmauld Place for what he swore would be the last time._

**_Four_ **

_Sirius knows that Remus forgave him, for what happened at the end of fifth year. He knows it now, and he knew it then, because Remus had finally responded to the deluge of letters Sirius had sent him over the summer, with a brief note that said that they would be okay, and to quit wasting parchment, and Sirius had carried that note with him like a safety blanket all around the Potters’ house the rest of the summer. He thinks that he gets to keep that memory, the relief he’d felt at that letter, because it throws into sharp contrast the disappointment he felt when he got on the train and saw that Remus wasn’t in the compartment with James and Peter, and didn’t come to join them, even after Evans had been released from the Prefects’ meeting and popped her head in to thank James for sending her some book over the summer. So Sirius set out to find him. And find him he did. He found him snogging Fabian Prewett right in the middle of the train (in a compartment) in front of God and everyone (really just Sirius, who was looking in the window)._

Sirius knew that he was losing his mind. He’d _thought_ that he was losing his mind, that summer, when the anger at Snivelly had worn off, and so had the shock at what had happened. Then, he’d panicked and paced and torn at his hair and cried over what a horrible thing he’d done. But this time, he _knew_ that he was losing his mind, because what he’d done then might have been a momentary lapse of sanity, but what he was doing _now_ , sitting at the dinner table across from Remus and Fabian Prewett who were talking about how they’d started spending time together over the summer, and how they were dating, and James and Peter were all interested, nodding along and asking questions and saying that they were _happy_ for them— _That_ was true insanity.

Sirius stabbed at his dinner with more force than necessary and never had been more relieved that a feast had ended. Sirius couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe that he’d spent all summer bent out of shape at the memory of Remus crying, looking at him like Sirius had destroyed his trust, and had left his fucking family over that (well, that and the fact that Bella was talking about the Death Eaters like they were God’s grace personified, coming to cleanse the wizarding world, and his parents were nodding along, and when he snarked about it he would have about three different practiced hands casting curses on him), had spent weeks pacing at a hole in James’s living room floor over it, and Remus had just been living it up that summer, probably fucking Fabian Prewett all over Wales. Sirius had thought his letters were ignored because Remus was in pain, when in reality, he’d just been too busy with his new boyfriend to care that Sirius’s world had been completely inverted in the space of a few weeks.

Sirius was proud of himself that he managed to keep his anger at bay for nearly three whole weeks into the term. He was less proud of the way he ended up casting a sloppy nail-growing jinx on Fabian and got detention for the first Hogsmeade trip of the term, while Fabian got a manicure in the Hospital Wing. He was surprised to see Remus waiting for him, when McGonagall finally released him.

“What are you doing here?”

“Well, hello to you, too, Sirius.”

“Sorry—Hello. What are you doing here?”

Remus’s arms were crossed, his face disapproving. “I’ve come to ask what in the world you think you’re doing.”

Sirius remembered Remus’s tearstained face, his mouth moving to form words he couldn’t hear. _What the fuck have you done?_

He didn’t flinch. He wanted to. “Well, I’ve just finished up my detention with Minnie, and I think I’m gonna go knock on the One-Eyed Witch’s hump, see if I can make it into Honeydukes before they close and I’m behind on the chocolate trade for the term. I figured you’d already be out there, stocking up.”

Remus didn’t look amused. “What’s your problem with Fabian?”

Sirius was surprised to hear him ask it so bluntly, but he didn’t shy from the challenge. “You mean aside from the fact that he’s about as thick as cement and twice as dull? Maybe it’s got something to do with the way he snorts when he laughs, or how he thinks ‘irregardless’ is a real word. And the way he chews with his mouth open, all that lip-smacking! I can’t imagine he’s a good ki—” Sirius was cut off when Remus shoved him, hard, and threw him off balance. “What the fuck?”

“Are you really so—I mean, what is wrong with you?” Remus asked. “What the hell is your problem? I’ve found someone who’s _nice_ to me, who I _like_ , who doesn’t have a nemesis to send down the Willow after me, and you—”

“Oh,” Sirius said pleasantly, getting back to his feet. “So you _are_ still mad about that. And here I thought you didn’t write because you were busy snogging the missus.”

“You’re an arse,” Remus told him, eyes wide, hands trembling, face pale. “A complete, absolute _arse_.”

Sirius didn’t have words for the emotion burning in his chest (jealousy, the word he didn’t have was jealousy), but all he knew was that it was bright and hot within him. “Come on, Moon-pie!” He cried, faking joviality. “Please, tell me all about how I ran away from home, and you couldn’t be bothered to check in with me because you were too busy going on _dates_.”

“ _I didn’t want to talk to you_ ,” Remus snarled, and at least there was the truth. “You still don’t get it, do you? I didn’t want to talk to you because you took my deepest secret and you used it to try and _use me_ for-for what, your little prank war?”

“Then why write to tell me you forgave me in the first place? Since it’s clearly not true. Was it just to stop the letters so I didn’t distract you from your _boyfriend_?”

“It was because of Prongs! Because of Prongs, and because he said that you were pretty much suicidal, and I didn’t want to have _that_ on my conscience, you absolute wanker—”

“Oh, good, glad to know I’m at least worth a pity note to stop me from offing myself—”

“You broke my heart!” The words echoed in the empty hall, and for once, Sirius had the good sense to keep his mouth shut, while Remus wiped at his eyes. “You broke my heart,” he repeated, softer this time. “I trusted you. More than anyone. More than James and Peter, even. I trusted you. And I-I…” He shook his head, didn’t finish the sentence. “Fabian makes me happy. He makes me feel good about myself. Can’t you just let me have that?” he asked, pleading. “I’ve spent so long feeling bad.”

Sirius didn’t have an answer for that, staring down at the flagstone floor until he heard Remus’s footsteps echoing down the hallway, as he finally walked away.

_He hears that echo, loudly, so loudly. He hears the way he cried that night, silencing charms on his bed hangings so none of the others would wake up and ask what was wrong. He doesn’t get to keep the rest. The way Remus and Fabien broke up by mid-October, the way Remus never again mentioned what had happened at the end of fifth year. The way they spent five minutes arguing about whether or not they’d done their Amortentia assignment correctly because Sirius was insisting that he couldn’t smell anything and he didn’t understand why Remus’s face was going red. He doesn’t get to keep the moment in the Potters’ kitchen on New Years’ Eve afternoon, well before anyone had anything to drink that they could use to justify their actions, when he’d surged forward and pressed his lips to Remus’s, then tried to mumble something about how it was already midnight in China, until Remus kissed him back to shut him up. He doesn’t get to keep the moments after that, double dates with Marlene and Dorcas, and later James and Lily, holding Remus’s hand under the table and kissing him at the common room parties, and snogging him on the train ride home. He doesn’t get to keep the first flat they moved into, all four of them, except James was always out at Lily’s anyways, and Peter would leave for walks so that he ‘wouldn’t have to hear what Remus and Sirius got up to,’ and he doesn’t get to keep the second flat they moved into when they were all evicted from the first after Remus accidentally flooded the bathroom by trying to use extra-foamy bubble bath that James had bought at Zonko’s, the second flat that was just his and Remus's, but was where Peter and James still wound up most nights anyways, bringing along Lily and whatever other members of the Order they could find, friendship forged in fire that would never falter and never die._

**_Five_ **

_Here’s what he does get to keep. He gets to keep the way the laughter that used to echo in the second flat started to fade, after a while. He gets to keep the dark whispers in Order meetings, when it stopped feeling like a game. He gets to keep the day Dorcas found out that Marlene had been killed, slaughtered with the rest of her family, and the way that she screamed. He gets to keep the day he and Lily rescued Peter from the clutches of Rosier and Mulciber, and the way Peter refused to talk about what had happened. He gets to keep the day that Dumbledore pulled him aside to tell him that there was a spy among them, and the day that he was supposed to become James’s secret keeper and came up with a switch at the last minute, insisting Peter was the best fit for the job, that no one would ever suspect him._

He gets to keep the day that he woke up before Remus, tired and still sore from the mission he’d been on. He should have jumped out of bed, gotten dressed, and hurried off to his debriefing with Dumbledore, but he waited, for a moment, sitting in up bed. He thought about waking Remus up, but just because he needed to be out at some ungodly hour to talk with Albus didn’t mean Remus shouldn’t get his sleep. And with the way the accusations had been flying between every member of the Order, sometimes a moment like this, with Remus sleeping peacefully and Sirius there to enjoy it, was better than one where they were eyeing each other, just waiting for whichever one of them was going to break and admit that they didn’t trust the other anymore.

No, this was better, Sirius decided, looking at the way the sun caught in Remus’s tawny hair, lit up the freckles on the back of his neck. He had to go out, had to debrief with Dumbledore, then go sit with Amelia Bones, who’d lost her brother just last week. Stop in to see Lily and James and Harry, for a few minutes. And then maybe, later that night, he and Remus could go out to a bar, or to a club, or something.

He remembers that after he’d gotten dressed, he stopped in the bedroom doorway one last time, and thought about waking Remus up anyways. Kissing him awake, telling him he was sorry that he was so distant, lately. That of course he still trusted him. Of course he still loved him. The war made it hard to remember that, sometimes, but Remus was the love of his life, from far before he’d even realized what love was.

But no, Remus deserved some sleep. Sirius would tell him tonight. They deserved a chance to cut loose, after all, and what better time to do it than Halloween?

_Sirius gets to keep the room, silent except for the slight sound of Remus’s breathing, and the click of the door closing behind him echoes for far longer than anything else he could ever have said, the only sound to distract him from the wailing of the dementors and the other prisoners and himself._

**Author's Note:**

> Would you believe me if I told you that when I started, this was supposed to be a fluffy fic? Maybe in the future I'll flesh out the 'happy' moments a little bit more, too, but as for right now... Hope you enjoyed?
> 
> *  
>  **Mod Note**
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